remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
How's work?
Spinning.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
