I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
