i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
