i was born a porn star she said
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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