Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
