We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
