Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
