so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
