You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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