Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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