Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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