Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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