just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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