yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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