I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
