True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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