you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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