I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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