Ketchup is God's man juice
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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