Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
