Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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