Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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