I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
