Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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