Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
