dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
