I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
