Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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