my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
