How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
