That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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