I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
