Did you just see the Batmobile???
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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