Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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