Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
we should paint friendship bongs
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