Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
