Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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