My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
