I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
