Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
