I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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