somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Four minutes until I can fart!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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