im six kinds of drunk right now
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
