I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
