But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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