I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
