I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
