I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
