You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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