So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
