I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
