as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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