I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize