i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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