Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
