Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
