yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My feet surprised me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
