I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
