My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
