"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
