So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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