I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just cropdusted the office
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
