I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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