Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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