The maid of honor just puked.
i think i have two assholes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
worst night to have a conscience
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
