i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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