hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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