Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Pants are for mortals
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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