Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
