my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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