I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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