there's paper in my vomit.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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