fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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