Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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